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| April
1 , 2003
Forced integration of Skemp and Vlanzny halls Wirled peas: Why the sudden publicity? President's Column: Declaration of War upon Saint Thomas Campus to enforce new dress code Saint Mary's to offer new major in Cynicism Heffron Ghost smacked with 3,471 write-ups Celebrate National Men's History Month |
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Forced
integration of Skemp and Vlazny halls
The military presence came after colleges everywhere suffered a resounding loss in a long series of appeals stretching all the way to the Supreme Court, which ultimately ruled that single sex dorms are unconstitutional. Saint Mary’s had planned to resist the ruling thinking that its private school status and possession of only two single sex dorms made it unlikely to be target of enforcement. However, that opinion was abruptly shattered when about 300 Army soldiers arrived on campus in 15 armored personnel carriers. Saint Mary’s Campus Safety started to rally the modest fleet of vans kept on campus to respond to the sudden occupation, but any attempt at resistance was cut short when a platoon of AH-64 A/D Apache attack helicopters hummed over the eastern bluffs to provide the U.S military with awe inspiring air support. Commander John ‘Butch’ Taggart was chief of operations for this mission. At a hastily called press conference (in which only the Cardinal participated) in the basement of Toner, he explained some of the operation. “We expect casualties to be light, but we are worrying that all the students milling to and from classes could be plotting some sort of resistance. That’s why we’ve called the 151st mounted cavalry in the event we need crowd control.” After securing the campus, the integration of the two halls began. Half of the male residents of Vlazy and an equal number of Skemp residents were chosen at random and given thirty minutes to get their belongings to a room in the other building. Those who were forced to move were allowed to keep the same roommate. Unfortunately, the soldiers did not allow any of The Cardinal’s reporters close enough to interview those who were displaced by the military. Commander Taggart would not say how long the troops plan to be staying on campus. “We’ll be here till we’re sure we won’t have to come back.” The staff has, so far, been ignoring the presence of troops and conducting class as usual. However, Student Services would like to remind all students to walk slowly when going to class and to keep their hands in plain site at all times. Also, students should remember we are currently under martial law. Curfew is at 8:00 and the soldiers have shoot to kill orders in regards to anyone out past that time.
SMU
is new cheney hideaway
Vice President Dick Cheney was seen walking through the Saint Mary’s plaza yesterday afternoon; he was also seen in the pool, at the pub, in the library, and later that night in the Old Village getting his groove on. Today, the rumors have been confirmed true by the Saint Mary’s Board of Trustees, Cheney will be taking over as the new president of Saint Mary’s next year after Brother Louis steps down. “There may be some changes that some may not like, but I trust that Cheney will do a just job of running our fair campus.” The soon to be former President issued that release from his office this morning. However, hours ago, Cheney grew weary of his temporary stay on campus and seized power in a successful coup. His stay at Saint Mary’s is logical, since Saint Mary’s is the safest ‘undisclosed location’ on earth and quite likely the last place on earth terrorists would look. Cheney was also reported saying, “The food’s good too.” In his first act as the new president of Saint Mary’s, Cheney plans on building himself a bodyguard of rapping secret service agents, that as he says, “got to be hip”. As of now, Cheney has ordered several changes to be made such as a new anti-drinking policy and the legalization of marijuana. The U.S. Vice President has also been seen at the student senate, where he has been giving his input on ideas for student activities that would be helpful in adding a more positive spin to his take-over. Next Halloween plans are already in the making for a Cheney look-a-like contest. Cheney also has revealed his plans for the lowering of tuition costs, saying that he has no use for the students money. Instead, the campus will be funded entirely by oil revenues. The V.P. is also lobbying for the construction of a Saint Mary’s football team and stadium. “I want the students to take more pride in their school,” a Cheney look-a-like said at a press conference earlier today. Cheney has made himself scarce on campus, and it is believed that he is currently residing in an undisclosed location mysteriously similar to Heffron Hall, where, on the fourth floor, two U.S. soldiers are stationed. “It was hard getting used to the idea that the world’s second-most powerful man was going to be living next door to me, but after he told the RA on me because I had my music on too loud after quiet hours, I found out what a mama’s boy Cheney actually is,”said Heffron resident Steve Venner. “I got him back though, the soldiers and I pennied his door shut.”
Tuition
to drop 60%
Saint Mary’s University tuition rates have been forecast to decrease by 60%. This drop comes as a result of the most recent reputation positioning strategy, “SMU-a private college education for the price of a community college.” SMU is the only private university whose tuition for the 2003 school year is anticipated to drop. The majority of other colleges have calculated anywhere between a 2% to 8% increase. SMU plans to maintain class size and student-professor ratio. This may prove difficult as the predicted increase in applicants is outrageous. Current students have shown positive reactions to the recently announced tuition decrease.
Wirled
peas: Why the sudden publicity?
As a child I was often forced to have to eat the remaining vegetables on my plate before the option of dessert could even be offered to my unsatisfied stomach. I would often try to hide my lima beans, peas, broccoli or any other green vegetable amidst the other portions on my plate. Much to my dismay, mother always caught on to this. Unluckily for me there was never a dog in the household for which I could pawn these detestable vegetables off on. Instead, I was forced to eat them. Now I know having to eat green vegetables did not scar my life in any way, shape, or form. It did, however, make the present moment of eating them anything but enjoyable. It made no difference though, since I was told eating these vegetables would make me healthier. I was never convinced. To this day I am not convinced that I grew up to be any healthier after eating any of these vegetables at all. This is why I am very confused at the recent publicity and attention that one specific repulsive green vegetable, peas, has been receiving. Peas always remained the easiest vegetable to conceal on a plate full of food. After all peas could easily be maneuvered and placed within and between meat, potatoes or even cleverly spread across the plate. Why does it seem then, that all of a sudden, the whole nation is so concerned and interested in promoting peas? Not just ordinary peas though, they have to be whirled peas. I am very concerned for the sanity of the nation, truly I am. I would say that I was an average kid with my likes and dislikes when it came to food. I can honestly attest to the fact that I never would have demanded to have whirled peas on my platter, ever. I am especially baffled because these whirled peas have never had so much of a limelight. The talk of whirled peas really has only just begun. I am not sure what the sudden craze for this apparent “delicacy” is, but I am going to get to the bottom of it. I fear that no plate will be able to conceal these whirled peas any longer. I know that Iraq has been the topic and consistent issue on the news. I never knew that what is going on in Iraq could have such an overwhelming effect on the desire for whirled peas across so many nations. After all, I thought Iraq was best known for its oil supply, and definitely not its capability of promoting whirled peas. Oh well, I guess that the “being in a box” at college has finally got the best of me. I am going to stand strong and resist any notion of introducing whirled peas to my dining cuisine.
Disclaimer: Although I may be opposed to whirled peas, I, like most Miss America contestants fully support any effort and promotion of world peace.
Yons
to become uber dorm
I know why they closed Yon’s. One of my contacts in the...higher...levels of Saint Marys leaked the information to me and begged that I keep it to myself. However, my dear readers, I am a journalist at heart, and what passes through my ears I am obligated, no, I am honor bound to pass on to you. In a ten million dollar project that can only be described as glorious, Saint Mary’s University is going to remodel Yon’s. And let me tell you, when they finish with Yon’s, Hillside and Pines will look like slums. In the first stage of the project, the Yon’s parking lot is going to be torn up and leveled along with the intersecting intramural field. Most of the square footage gained from leveling the field will go towards an attached recreation center featuring twice as many weight machines as the RAC, a second, larger, indoor pool, and a huge array of gymnastic equipment. The dorm aspect of Yon’s will also triple in size but the amount of rooms will remain the same. Upon completion, the rooms, which will all remain singles, will feature thrice the square footage of a room in Hillside, a hot tub, billiards tables, and king sized water beds. All rooms will also come standard with a 150 inch plasma screen television, two Laz E Boy leather recliners, and a fully stocked mini-bar. But, one might ask where will the parking for the new Saint Yon’s luxury residence hall be. It’s a long walk from the theater lot. Never fear. The third phase of construction will be the installation of a massive below ground parking ramp right underneath the new dorm. Finally, taking into account the size of the new dorm, a high speed monorail will be in service 24 hours a day seven days a week to shuttle students around the hall. The only unfortunate part of the new project is that it won’t be finished till 2012.
The
Horan-Holey Rebublic
Due to our impending war on St. Thomas and the current war in Iraq, Garrick Holey and I would like to announce our secession from the United States of America. We have discovered that in the zoning of Hillside our room, 311, is not registered. Thus, we have designated it The Republic of Horan-Holey. We will run it as a joint despotism, but obviously I will retain much of the power. We will begin by establishing a clear set of laws and moral codes. We have abolished religion as a whole and will be accepting of any belief as long as it is not pushed upon or used to judge others. We will be accepting diplomats of nations who have met our strict criteria of gifts, attractive women, and an abundance of beaches with exceptional food. We have also created separate and unequal treasuries that will be used to purchase needed exports. We will be opening our borders only to those carrying legal ID and visas. We will not be accepting any immigrants due to our closed door policy. Luckily, we will be expanding our borders with the acquisition of three protectorates in Bayfield, Eau Claire, and Plymouth (now known as Garrick and Jim Northern Protectorates). Also, we will be adding two southern colonies one in South Carolina now called Brendanland and one in North Carolina called Gregorytopia. All the new lands will be governed under the same strict rules and lack of sin taxes. We will take limited applications for visas in both northern and southern lands. Keep your eyes out for our tourist posters (which will read: Come and Visit, If we Let You!) and the influx of export dollars into your economy (which our currency being called the One True Currency is worth 3 times your American Dollar). We will also be setting up military bases in a few key restaurants and discount stores across your country to protect you from yourselves. And, finally, we will be pursuing admittance to the UN and a permanent seat on the Security Council due to our education and superiority to all other nations. Although we do not need your approval for this move, we think it necessary to inform the public to avoid any unneeded wars or international tribunals.
Presidents
Column: Declaration of War upon Saint Thomas
On the eve of this great day I would like to announce a momentous step for Saint Mary’s University. We, as of 8 p.m. this evening, will declare war on Saint Thomas University. Too long have they taunted the MIAC with their purple colors and beautiful women. We will nullify their sports teams with a shock and awe bombing campaign that will commence approximately 15 minutes after the declaration of war. This campaign, aptly named “Freedom of the Beautiful Women of St. Thomas” will be a short war. We are committing only half of our able bodied underclassmen, and with the aid of our Seminarian underclassmen allies, we will reign victorious very soon. Now I know that many of you feel that any war is unjust in the eyes of God and of the Governor Tim Pawlenty. But let me assure you, I have spoken to both bodies and they agree that the amassing of beautiful women and their proximity to the wonderful street of Grand Avenue make them a viable threat to all the MIAC. You may ask why us why can’t Hamline or Saint Kates attack this pinnacle of evil? Because they lack the intestinal fortitude to do so! Saint Thomas has squandered the bounty of the Midwest for too long. Our Coalition of Freedom will stop at nothing to liberate those poor suffering beautiful women, I assure you. On a personal note and in a key that many of you can relate to, I have a brother at Saint Thomas. Although he has gone to the dark side I still love him and will grieve at his loss. But he has turned away from the light and he must be removed just like that hairy mole that is Saint Thomas. And we will attack not only with surprise and speed, but also right when they return fat and dazed from their spring break. Because of that, I can confidently say you will be enjoying your spring break safe in the knowledge that the war has been won and when you return not only will the air be warmer, but you will be able to shop on Grand Avenue and date those beautiful women in a world free of Saint Thomas Terror!!! My fellow Saint Marians, hold fast and fight hard. We have God and the governor on our side and victory will be ours! Viva la Sancta Maria’s!
Campus
to enforce new dress code
After much deliberation, Saint Mary’s has decided to expand its major offerings in an attempt to attract a more diverse and jaded student body. Enter the new major in Cynicism. “The primary goal of the major is to immerse students in a multitude of courses designed to thoroughly jade them and cause them to lose all faith in humanity,” noted an anonymous faculty member. The major will carry a prerequisite load of 41 credits, and includes such new introductory courses as CY101: Pessimism and the Modern World and CY155: Evils of the Optimist. Required classes will also consist of a mélange of preexisting courses including B350: Heredity and Society, with an emphasis upon genetic abnormalities; BU341: Corporate Finance, including a special case study of the Enron scandal; C402: Special Topics in Chemistry, with a focus upon humanity’s historical use of explosives; any two computer science courses in addition to CS370: Artificial Intelligence, in which students will study the implications of imminent world domination by sentient robots; ST332: Mathematical Statistics; PS314: American Foreign Policy; S301: Crime and Delinquency; and any combination of two Lasallian Honors courses, through which students are encouraged to come to a moral and philosophical crisis in their search for cosmic significance. Students will also be encouraged to take the seminar in Russian literature offered next semester if they are not currently enrolled in this semester’s Satire seminar. Free therapy will be available to all Cynicism majors in the wellness center, and students choosing this delightful major are encouraged to take advantage of it.
Saint
Mary's to offer new major in Cynicism
After much deliberation, Saint Mary’s has decided to expand its major offerings in an attempt to attract a more diverse and jaded student body. Enter the new major in Cynicism. “The primary goal of the major is to immerse students in a multitude of courses designed to thoroughly jade them and cause them to lose all faith in humanity,” noted an anonymous faculty member. The major will carry a prerequisite load of 41 credits, and includes such new introductory courses as CY101: Pessimism and the Modern World and CY155: Evils of the Optimist. Required classes will also consist of a mélange of preexisting courses including B350: Heredity and Society, with an emphasis upon genetic abnormalities; BU341: Corporate Finance, including a special case study of the Enron scandal; C402: Special Topics in Chemistry, with a focus upon humanity’s historical use of explosives; any two computer science courses in addition to CS370: Artificial Intelligence, in which students will study the implications of imminent world domination by sentient robots; ST332: Mathematical Statistics; PS314: American Foreign Policy; S301: Crime and Delinquency; and any combination of two Lasallian Honors courses, through which students are encouraged to come to a moral and philosophical crisis in their search for cosmic significance. Students will also be encouraged to take the seminar in Russian literature offered next semester if they are not currently enrolled in this semester’s Satire seminar. Free
therapy will be available to all Cynicism majors in the wellness center,
and students choosing this delightful major are encouraged to take advantage
of it.
Science
building disappears!
The Cardinal staff received the following e-mail from a reporter investigating the “disappearance” of Hoffman Hall. “I arrived at Hoffman Hall knowing only the rumors: disappearances, lights, etc. However, something was very wrong. No one wanted to say anything about the occurrence. Finally, two of them talked under anonymity (and a little persuasion).” ‘Becky’ said, “All I know I heard from my friend. She was passing Hoffman late Tuesday night, and there was this weird blue glow coming from the building, which got brighter until Hoffman completely vanished. She freaked out and ran.” ‘Nick’ said, “Yeah man, and I heard it came back with the blue lights and all, 7 minutes later. Just totally weird.” I asked if they knew the cause. Nick responded, “No clue, dude. Strange things have been going on. I’ve seen people around who have never been on campus before. If I were you, I’d just shut up about it.” Becky, in a shaky voice, added, “My friend was telling others, but I haven’t seen her now for three days. I don’t dare call the police, for I have heard of other people disappearing after talking to authorities.” “I tried to get them to say more, but their nerve broke and they ran to class. This is all the information I have now, but I will keep you informed as this peculiar story unfolds.” The
staff of The Cardinal would like to inform you that it has had
no subsequent contact with this reporter. All attempts to reach him
have failed.
Heffron
ghost smacked with 3,471 write-ups
The citations span a seven-year period and range from simple noise violations to cohabitation. The ghost has been written up 2,312 times for community disruption, 544 times for lack of cooperation, 302 times for cohabitation, 312 times for property damage, and once for public intoxication. In response to questions as to the seven-year delay between the occurrence of some of these events and the subsequent write-ups, former third floor Heffron resident assistant, Lisa Hills, provided an explanation. “I and the R.A.s before me have always treated the ghost as just another unruly resident. But, we’ve never really had a policy that covers writing up spirits. Before now, all we could really do is write a report and file it away in the hope that the next publication of the student handbook would have a way to deal with the issue.” During the March 15 meeting of the Saint Mary’s Board of Trustees, the matter of the Heffron ghost’s less than model behavior was discussed. The board took surprisingly swift action and drafted a new policy that very day. In a unanimous motion, the board passed a motion declaring that “ghosts, spirits, and other beings of an incorporeal nature that are known to reside on campus will be considered students and be expected to adhere to the same code of conduct as found in the most recent edition of the Saint Mary’s student handbook.” Although the ghost is currently enrolled in Philosophy of the Human Person on an audit basis, he has managed to avoid being considered a student by carrying an academic load of zero credits. As the wording of the new policy clearly shows, that loophole will no longer be enough to keep the ghost from being considered a student and, consequently, a resident in Heffron hall. A second motion at the meeting of the board of trustees further danged the ghost by declaring that, “although the gender of spirits is nebulous, due to the ghost’s decidedly male features it can be cited for cohabitation when found in a female student’s room.” This has opened the door to a massive amount of write-ups, because the ghost currently inhabits an all girls floor in Heffron. Both rulings went into effect immediately. The Heffron ghost will be brought before the Student Judicial Council on April 1st and given an opportunity to speak in his defense against the allegations. Given his history, it is expected that the ghost will not appear at the hearing and thus lose his only serious chance to defend himself. Unofficially, it is agreed that even if that ghost does arrive to plead his case, it is unlikely that no more than one to two hundred of the citations will be dropped. The
Dean of Students, was not available for an extended interview but did
make this press release, “It is quite likely the Heffron ghost, despite
its large following, will soon be asked to leave campus.”
Celebrate
National Men's History Month
As we enter into the month of April, we think it important to acknowledge national Men’s History month. A month wherein we, as Americans, take special time out of our busy schedules to acknowledge the many sacrifices that males have gone through in order to gain the freedoms that we, as men, have today. For millennia upon millennia, men were the down trodden race of humans. Males were forced to hunt for food and govern their people. Even in some of the more ancient, and now thankfully extinct, tribes they had to care for their women. When we evolved, men still held a lower status, being made to work and govern much as their ancestors had done. Also, men were required to leave the house and upon returning provide for the women and offspring that the female had procured. Even more recently in history, this strain of governing and providing, along with work and voting, has kept the male under the oppressive boot of society. We must remember this month the sacrifices of our grandfathers who kept working while their women relaxed at home barefoot and pregnant wasting the day away with cooking and cleaning. There were many men then who envied, as we all do now, the simpler relaxed lives of females. But those male heroes persisted and carried the yoke of fiscal responsibility. And when their country called them, they answered to the whips and screams of women and went off to fight the wars of the past centuries. All the while, the women were sitting complacently at home watching soap operas. Then,
finally, in the early 1900s the cries of the overworked men were answered
by a few surprisingly caring women who passed Women’s Suffrage. In effect,
the bonds that had held men to servile status since time began were
lifted and men were able to stay home or even cook in a manner that
they had always dreamed of. Women took up some of the stress of males
and began to work for the first time in history. But as we all know,
the fight wasn’t over, the bra burning of the sixties kept many men
cowering behind their desks frightened to go home. Eventually mindsets
changed and bras stayed on the backs of women and threatened men no
longer. But the fight still continues today. The glass ceiling keeps
many men rising higher and higher on the corporate ladder unable to
retire as soon as they want; Title 9 laws have made men the sole work
horses for many upper end colleges despite their wish to remain in Home
EC classes and in bed reading. So, as April progresses, remember the
men that came before and take time to reflect on their hard work and
sacrifice.
Singles
club...at last! Not
Desperate...Really
Is your singleness no longer just an everyday word has it become more of a lifestyle? If you continue to remain clueless as to why no one wants to embrace your niceness and other datable qualities, perhaps your prayers have been answered. Allow us to walk you through a day in the shoes of a nice person. 9:00 You wake up, shower, brush teeth, and get dressed knowing that no one will be overly impressed. 9:30 Walk to class with breakfast in hand. You smile at a cute specimen and get excited that he or she smiles back. It turns out the smile was aimed at the person walking behind you. 9:45 Class. You drop a pencil on purpose to see if someone will pick it up. Only the seminarian sitting across from you bothers to notice the fall. 11:00 Sit in the plaza. People watch. 12:00 Lunch in the café. You reach for a fork and touch hands with a hot dish in the process. You then watch them sit by their significant other. 1:25 Walk to class. Trip up stairs in Mary’s. Thought no one noticed until you hear laughter echoing in the hallways. 1:30 Class. Same old, same old. Attempt to add intelligent thought to class discussion, but get tongue tied when the cutie in the corner looks over at you. 2:30 Nap. 4:30 Alarm rings just as the white horse and ‘mate’ in shining appears... 5:15 Dinner. Start choking. No one comes to aid for CPR, other than your roommate. 6:00 Homework. 7:30 Phone rings. Hoping it will be special someone you run to the phone with excitement. Turns out to be another prank. 9:00 Watch sappy romance movie. Cry. 11:00 Get ready for bed. 11:30 Off to dreamland. If this schedule of events sounds similar to your average day, you may have found your niche at Saint Mary’s. The answer is the Single’s Club! This new club will hold its first meeting on April 4 during the lunch hour in the cafeteria (we will be there from 12-2) at the far east tables. Any interested club members should submit a personal profile in order to determine what your needs are. Real-life examples are shown below. A striking 5’6” brunette with hazel eyes, traveling the world, Ms. Mann has acquired many unique experiences across the globe; however, she finds it somewhat lonely retiring after a hard day’s work to an empty, yet well furnished penthouse in upstate New York. Ms. Mann is looking for a true gentleman who is willing to explore and enjoy what the world has to offer. If interested, please contact Ms. Mann at P.O. Box #458. A bodacious babe with orange frizzy hair is seeking a well rounded man (in all senses). She enjoys long walks on the beach and heated games of Twister. Man should be musically talented and clean. Any members of any non-aspirational group will not be considered unless otherwise specified. Ms. Ivan Choo tends to be moderately mysterious and spontaneous and is looking for someone who can wear the pants in a relationship. If interested please contact #270. A whole lot of woman standing a 6’2” best describes this “blonde bombshell,” Ms. Ida Singelwon. Hobbies include: power walking, water aerobics, and a nightly game of yahtzee. Searching for a male with lots of energy to keep up with her. Must be interested in joining her quilting club. Looking for real good man, anyone interested should contact #501.
The Senior Class Gift Committee has met weekly the past two months brainstorming gift ideas that would best illustrate the discoveries and friendships made, and praise the education they have received at Saint Mary’s. The committee chose to direct this year’s gift to stained glass windows for the doors of the Lillian Davis Hogan Art Galleries in the Toner Student Center. “We want to give something that in 20 years we’ll be proud to show to our kids,” said John Estrada. “To have one of our classmates create the gift is something to be proud of,” added Nicholas Michaels. Each year, university seniors all over the country raise money as a gift to their alma mater’s as sign of commitment and support for the continuing legacy of their school. Saint Mary’s University has a proud tradition of successful senior gift programs. In previous years, gifts have included benches, scoreboards, display cases, decorative art, statues, and gifts to the library. “What we leave behind should say something about who we are as a class, and this is completely different than gifts left in the past,” said Krista Austinson. In
the next few weeks members of the committee will invite the Class of
2003 to participate by making donation’s to the Senior Class Gift Fund.
If you still need to buy your Senior Dance tickets they can be purchased Monday March 31st from noon to 1 p.m. in the Toner Student Center; Tuesday and Thursday from 11 to 3 p.m. on the fourth floor of St. Mary’s Hall in the Business Department Suite and from noon to 4 p.m. at the game-room window, and Friday from 11:30 to 1 p.m. in the Toner Center. They can also be purchased from Jason Richter in his office located in the trench anytime during the day.
Tickets for the dance are $35 for two people and $20 for one person. Make checks out the Class of 2003.
The Dance will be held at the Winona Country Club April 5th from 8 to 12p.m.
Also, don’t forget Miranda Photography will be taking pictures from 8 to 10 p.m. Checks should be made out to Miranda Photography.
If you have any questions contact Kim Rodr at KSRODR99@SMUMN.EDU.
Senior Class T-Shirts The senior class t-shirts are in and can be picked up in Jason Richter’s office located in the trench anytime during the day.
For everyone who ordered M or XXL we apologize for the delay but there was a mix-up at the printer they will be in soon.
If
you missed out the first time on ordering a t-shirts and still would
like to purchase one we will be reordering them. You can send your name,
T-shirt size and $10 to Kim Rodr at P.O. #1333 until April 6th or they
can be ordered where dance tickets are being sold.
Plans
for a new soccer stadium get ok
This year is different though. Saint Mary’s University officials unveiled plans for a multi-million-dollar sports venue that both the men’s and women’s soccer teams will call home. “With the new stadium we’re working on a proposal to host the World Cup in 2012,” said SMU athletic director Chris Kendall. The new stadium will seat anywhere between 40 to 55-thousand spectators. It is still unclear of the location of the new stadium, but some are saying it might be located at off the intersection of Highways 14 and 61 on the southeast corner. If the stadium is built on the southeast corner of 14 and 61, SMU will have to purchase several business and homes to clear the way for this massive stadium. The new stadium would also house an outdoor track to be used by the track and field team. Talks have suggested that with the construction of such a large stadium, SMU may possibly resurrect their football program. Bringing back the football program has been discussed before, but efforts to keep enrollment down, Title 9 issues, and the fact that it would cost a considerable amount of money to restart the program have all resulted in Saturday afternoons without SMU college football. Head men’s soccer coach Eric Luzzi said, “I think this stadium is a wonderful representation of our university’s commitment to athletics. We will now have a stadium that rivals any of our opponents’, even one that rivals most professional stadiums.” If all goes well, the new stadium should open in time for the 2010 season. The name of the stadium has yet to be announced, but officials have talked about selling the naming rights to the highest bidder to help pay for the construction.
As members of the athletic department were cutting apart and dismantling the old gym floor, one coach, who wishes to be left unidentified, noticed a skeletal hand. Upon the discovery, work was halted and the Winona County Sheriff was notified of the finding. The sheriffs department supervised the removal of the rest of the gym floor and gathered what turned out to be an entire human skeleton. After gathering the remains, they were sent to FBI crime labs for DNA testing in an attempt to identify the body. When the results came back, officials were shocked to find out that what they really had stumbled across was the missing body of Jimmy Hoffa. “We received a call of human remains found at the Saint Mary’s campus,” said Winona County Sheriff’s Deputy Steve Baumgart. “Who knew the body was that of Jimmy Hoffa? Everyone thought his body was buried under the end zone of the Meadowlands Sports Complex in New Jersey.” Hoffa has been missing since Dec. of 1975 when he was last seen at a restaurant in Michigan. It is widely believed that the mob was involved in Hoffa’s disappearance since Hoffa had strong ties with the mob. Now investigators are trying to figure out how, and why Hoffa wound up under the SMU gym floor. SMU athletic director Chris Kendall said, “We went through his pockets hoping to come up with some mafia money to help fund the project, but we came up short.” As crews got back to work and started laying down the new wood floor, there was a slight mistake. Instead of putting the new SMU logo on the floor, work crews accidentally put down the old cardinal logo where the cardinal was playing basketball. The new gym floor should be done by Aug. 1, but Kendall was over heard telling the contractor that if the project wasn’t done by Aug. 1, there is room for another body down there.
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On
March 31, several hundred soldiers descended on the campus to enforce
the integration of Skemp and Vlazny hall.
On
March 31st Saint Mary’s made it clear that the haunting of the famed
Heffron ghost would no longer be tolerated by slapping it with 3,471
violations of the code of conduct.
The
Class of 2003 will graduate in May, but will leave a lasting impression
on the Saint Mary’s University campus with an original gift designed
and produced by senior studio art major Garrick Holey.
For
the past few years the Saint Mary’s University soccer teams have been
told they would be getting new turf, but due to budget constraints,
each year the new field proposals have been put on the back burner.
The
body of missing former Teamsters president Jimmy Hoffa was found under
the old gym floor.